Talk Ain't Cheap

        "You're always late."      "You never have anything nice to say about anybody."      "Are you ever organized?"      These statements are absolutes.  Statements like these ought to ALWAYS be avoided in conflict situations.  The previous statement was one of the few appropriate times you could use words like "always" and "never".  The appropriate times are very few.  Therefore, they should be avoided as often as possible.  Here's why:  most of us are rarely always doing anything or never doing something.  To make such a claim is likely false, and people hate to be lied to or lied on.  To make a blanket statement about someone's behavior--especially if that statement is largely negative--is to create conflict or add to it.  Think about it:  you rarely do anything all the time.  There are few things we never do, but they aren't usu...

     In the last post, I mentioned watching your tone.  I'd like to expound upon that recommendation a bit because it's one of the biggest complaints I get from people regarding communications problems.  Therefore, let's establish the next rule:  the sixth rule of engagement in conflict is to consider the tone you set when engaging in discussion.  Conflict arises from people feeling offended by the way they are handled by other people.  The leap from being direct and being perceived as rude is not a large one.  A short, gruff response to a simple question could set off a nasty exchange if one person finds the tone offensive.  Oftentimes, direct people don't realize right away how they sound to others.  Sure, they know they're direct because they've been told so by people they've offended somewhere along the way.  But they don't realize when they've crossed the line until they're already over it.  Here's something ...

     Either you've seen it for yourself or someone has told you about it, but most likely you know about the yelling and screaming that occurs on most of these "reality" shows that have flooded the airways.  These shout-a-thons usually occur between women who are supposed to be friends or at the very least associates.  They lack respect for one another and generally for themselves.  They curse, they accuse, they yell!  That yelling can oftentimes lead to physical altercations.  Which brings me to Rule #5 in the Rules of Engagement in Conflict:  Watch your tone.  No YELLING!!!      Regardless of the relationship, more gets done when people remain civil to one another.  When the tone is harsh and abusive, communications break down.  No one wants to be disrespected and denigrated.  The words are important, but just as important is the tone of those words.  If you are raising the volume during ...

     One night when there was nothing else on television, I decided to look for a movie on Netflix.  I stumbled across one of those straight-to-DVD flicks that featured a couple who were dating but were seriously considering marriage.  They'd been together a long time and seemed to know each other's qwerks pretty well.  They were a young couple.  The woman was a single mom whose son the boyfriend accepted as his own.  He was the proverbial "good guy" who was able to stomach a demanding, disrespectful girlfriend because of his great love for her.  Ironically, she suggested they go to couples' therapy before they decided to get married because she believed they needed to resolve a few issues first.  One of the biggest issues was her--and that filthy mouth of hers.  She spat so many expletives in a single sentence that you would've thought she viewed the love of her life as a worthless, mangy dog she'd prefer to have put down....

       The next rule of engagement complements the prior.  Don’t ridicule the other person’s opinions or try to discredit them.  That's what you heard last time.  But the distinguishing factor between that one and this one is this:  Seek FIRST to CONSIDER what the other person has to say before rejecting or objecting to their views.  If your automatic response in a time of conflict is to find ways to weaken the other side's perspective, then you haven't given much positive thought to what they are saying.  Sure, you're hearing their side.  But your motives aren't pure.  You are listening only for faults so you can point them out.  Your goal is not to understand or to place yourself on the other side of the argument.  Your goal is to seek out the vulnerabilities and then pounce on them.  You are looking for ways to strengthen your position while weakening theirs.      In this rule o...

      Since it's obvious conflict arises out of two sides with opposing views, the question becomes how can we express our views without the situation becoming contentious?  Unfortunately, far too many people have not yet mastered how to disagree with another person without becoming angry or ridiculing the other perspective.  When we feel too strongly about our own beliefs, we close ourselves off to hearing and considering anyone else's.  This is wrong.  This attitude will cause conflict to be destructive.  Thus, the need to address the second rule.             Rule number two is this:  Respect the other side’s opinions.   You don’t have to agree with them, but everyone deserves the chance to be heard.  To ignore, discredit or disregard another side of an issue is to practice arrogance and dominance.  The two behaviors complement each other.  To dominate...

     Since conflict between people, even nations, is inevitable, we have to find ways to disagree in a respectful way.  Couples, coworkers, managers and direct reports, church folk, siblings, parents and kids, government officials, businesses and customers:  listen up!  Mutual respect is the key to having a meaningful dialogue when emotions are on the rise.  Remembering that the person or people on the other side of the debate have a brain and opinions too is imperative to keeping your emotions in check.  When we argue with people, it's because we feel that our views are the right ones.  Thus, saying to the other side, "You're wrong" in some way.      Of course, I realize arguments aren't quite that simple.  They're fueled by wounded feelings, betrayal, and other ways we feel mishandled.  But at the core of every disagreement is simply that:  We don't agree.  And that's okay.  Really, it is...