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Rules of Engagement in Conflict--Rule #3


      
The next rule of engagement complements the prior.  Don’t ridicule the other person’s opinions or try to discredit them.  That's what you heard last time.  But the distinguishing factor between that one and this one is this:  Seek FIRST to CONSIDER what the other person has to say before rejecting or objecting to their views.  If your automatic response in a time of conflict is to find ways to weaken the other side's perspective, then you haven't given much positive thought to what they are saying.  Sure, you're hearing their side.  But your motives aren't pure.  You are listening only for faults so you can point them out.  Your goal is not to understand or to place yourself on the other side of the argument.  Your goal is to seek out the vulnerabilities and then pounce on them.  You are looking for ways to strengthen your position while weakening theirs.
     In this rule of engagement, your goal should be to listen for what makes sense about what the other side thinks.  Your goal should be to listen intently for common ground, to find a way for both of you to get what you want, to compromise.  Usually this happens only after all other arguments have been exhausted.  We try to find a way to agree once emotions have already run high and out of control or you've hit a brick wall.  Trying to find a way to have two opinions coexist as a last resort has already done too much damage.  It's the throw-your-hands-up in surrender position.  You've grown tired of the argument.  You're giving in not because you seek to agree with the other opinion, but because you're just tired of fighting.  That doesn't give the other side any feeling of confidence.  They know your actions aren't genuine.
     If your first act is to look for ways to discuss a difference of opinion for agreement, and you express your intent clearly, then the other side is immediately disarmed.  You help them to understand that you don't want an argument.  You want them to have what they need as much as you'd like to have your own opinion heard.  Even though you may not agree, just giving the respect to another person's view can alter the course of the conversation.  When all is said and done, to feel and receive mutual respect is almost as important as finally agreeing.

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