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Rules of Engagement in Conflict--Rule #4

     One night when there was nothing else on television, I decided to look for a movie on Netflix.  I stumbled across one of those straight-to-DVD flicks that featured a couple who were dating but were seriously considering marriage.  They'd been together a long time and seemed to know each other's qwerks pretty well.  They were a young couple.  The woman was a single mom whose son the boyfriend accepted as his own.  He was the proverbial "good guy" who was able to stomach a demanding, disrespectful girlfriend because of his great love for her.  Ironically, she suggested they go to couples' therapy before they decided to get married because she believed they needed to resolve a few issues first.  One of the biggest issues was her--and that filthy mouth of hers.  She spat so many expletives in a single sentence that you would've thought she viewed the love of her life as a worthless, mangy dog she'd prefer to have put down.  She was demeaning, loud, confrontational, and completely out of control.  She acknowledged her "language" problem as if it were a disease she couldn't shake.  The therapist had to warn her not to use foul language in her office, and her boyfriend sounded like an Alzheimer's patient as he constantly repeated to her to clean up her conversation.  Yet, this woman isn't unlike a lot of us in our work and personal relationships today.  Many of us use profanity to express ourselves whether in simple comments or heated disagreements.  We use it like common daily chat.  But it's not.  And we need to make adjustments if we want to maintain professionalism at work and peace at home.
     Therefore, I have to assert rule #4 very strongly:  When engaging others in conflict, watch your language.  DO NOT USE PROFANITY.  At this point, I'm sure I've lost most of you.  That's a ridiculous rule, right?  You're probably saying, "Hey, I'm not as bad as you're making that movie character sound."  Yet you have to admit, you can have a bit of a "potty mouth" as so many people have told me.  And  in exercising full disclosure, if you push my buttons too hard and too long, you might hear a few choice words escape my lips too.  Yes, we get boiling mad at times.  Yes, cursing kind of helps to relieve the steam.  However, it's one of the most ineffective ways to address another person in an argument.  All it does is serve to escalate an already tense situation.  Before you know it, you're calling them foul names, and hate is erupting like a volcano spewing lava of profanity and judgment.  Whomever is close by is sure to get covered and burned.  Your reaction only leads to the same response from the other side, and before you know it, a lot is being said that shouldn't.  A lot that can't be taken back when the ash settles.
     When we engage in communication with someone with which we don't agree, the idea is to neutralize untamed emotions so that you can have a meaningful exchange.  Cursing is usually coupled with yelling and maybe even big, threatening gestures and acting out.  Those are untamed emotions.  You can be emotional; it's natural.  But don't let emotion dictate the conversation.  When we speak out of emotion and the emotion is out of control then such will become the language.  But if we keep those emotions in check, then our language is likely to be in check.  You can express your displeasure with impact and never have to use a foul word if you master how to communicate in conflict.  If you want to know how, I offer a webinar called "How to Face Conflict With Confidence".  Let me know you're interested, and I'll notify you of the next session.  It takes skill and practice, but you can do it. Whatever you can say with profanity you can also say without it.

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