Talk Ain't Cheap

     So you're sitting in a meeting, and you begin to answer a question that has been directed toward you by your boss.  You get through about half of your response when a colleague jumps in and offers his take and essentially silences you.  There is evidence that if you are a woman, this will happen to you more often than if you are a man, and it's likely to happen to you by both genders.      Interruptions in communications like this happen all the time whether you're in a group offering your opinion or one-on-one sharing a story.  Regardless of the setting, we all find it annoying and rude.  These disruptions of dialogue hamper thought processes, contribute to misunderstandings, and devalue people's input.  So what do we do when they keep happening to us?  A few worthy suggestions can be found in Kathryn Vasel's article,  "Next time someone interrupts you in a meeting, try this" .      But what...

         For years, I’ve encouraged people to speak up and speak out regarding matters important to them.   I’m a big proponent of talking through problems, resolving conflicts through meaningful dialogue, and speaking frankly to bring people to greater self-awareness.   But with all this talk about, well, talk, there are also important times when silence is essential.           In communications, silence is as important as trying to find the right words to gain buy-in or being cognizant of our body language and even listening attentively.   There are times when choosing to save our words for ourselves is far more effective for our growth than saying what we feel.   Self-talk—though largely practiced negatively by most of us (think:   “I can’t do this” or “He must be out of his mind”)—can be self-motivating when done correctly.   Thinking deeply about an iss...

     I was studying the Bible today because part of my life is spent as a Bible student and Sunday School teacher.  I enjoy reading it because of the many life lessons it holds.  Today's scripture has everything to do with communications.  And since this is a communications blog, I will refer to the verses I read in it just like I would in any book where I find something worth repeating.  In the book of James, chapter three, James is talking about talking--specifically cursing, lying, gossiping, boasting, and a bunch of other things we say that we shouldn't.  These behaviors are born out of one small part of our bodies that we all lose control of along with our brains at varying points in our lives.  But when we lose control, we amass large amounts of grief for ourselves and others.           Beginning at verse three, he describes this failure of ours.  "When we put bits into the mouths of...

     Maybe you're not a morning person.  Maybe you're deep in thought about what's ahead and not attuned to your surroundings.  Maybe it wasn't something that was important to do around your house when you were growing up.  But greeting people when you first see them each day is a show of respect.  It says to an individual that you "see" them--meaning you acknowledge their presence, that they exist, and that they are important enough to address.         This issue comes up regularly when I am conducting internal customer service and self-awareness training sessions.  For many, saying hello to a colleague first thing in the morning isn't a big thing.  But for others, it's everything .  Those who believe it matters are usually offended by the dismissive response they get from a coworker who walks through the office and passes their office or desk and never looks in their direction.  They are par...

       Choosing to listen while in a conversation is not a passive effort.  Making the choice is an action that is thoughtful and vital to the life of that communication.  To listen well requires concentration.  It requires tuning in and removing distractions that compete for the listener's attention.  As much as we know this, it is difficult to do.  Many of the distractions that cause us to tune in and out several times in a given conversation come from within our own minds.  We have this constant murmur of chatter going on underneath the discussion in which we're engaged.  While someone is speaking, we're responding to their comments silently; formulating opinions in our minds that we can't wait to share.  We're not totally listening; we're just waiting to reply.  Even worse, in some cases, we're not even permitting the speaker to finish their thought.  We interrupt with our often not-so-well-thought-out opinio...

     We've all seen heated discussions on social media regarding everything from political views to personal attacks when someone feels they've been wronged.  Notwithstanding the trolls whose main intent is to get a rise out of people by spewing hate, we should keep in mind that the idea behind social media is to be just that-- social .  Anything outside of that is anti social.  Here's why:      First, social media is about connecting to other people.  It's about building and strengthening relationships through shared opinions, interests, and friendships.  Even when "friends" don't share the same views, this medium is not designed to drive a wedge between them.  When you see this occurring, don't participate.  You're misusing the medium.  Healthy debate where no one gets "unfriended" is fine.  Arguing is not.  Be considerate though, and try not to post anything that would offend others.  ...

     Jasmine sat at the restaurant table anxiously awaiting her blind date.  She had been set up by her cousin Ava with Ava's coworker Jason.  Ava had described him as a guy who was smart, hard-working, and fun.  Jasmine had grown weary of the dating scene since most of the guys she'd gone out with lately were shallow and boring.  She was looking for a fresh approach and interesting conversation.      Jason walked up to her table and introduced himself with a smile.  She immediately felt his warmth and thought this one might actually go better than all the rest.  The conversation started easily enough, but Ava felt a shift in the energy between them after about 15 minutes.  She couldn't figure it out, but she felt Jason cool down a bit.  Eventually the conversation became stilted, and Jason seemed disengaged.  Finally he asked her a tough question.      "Do you like yourself?"...

     Remember when we used to say "TMI" to indicate when a person was providing "Too Much Information"?  This information isn't data that bores people to sleep.  This was personal information that was too intimate to share out loud with other people.  We all know someone who talks too much, but sometimes there are people who say too much.  Within minutes of sparking a conversation, they've revealed some private tidbit that is best kept to themselves.  It becomes awkward for the listener, especially if that listener is you.      Situations like this become most challenging at work.  Imagine sitting in front of an important client with a coworker who uses no filters, and he launches into some quip about his girlfriend and his wife's complaints about him.  He thinks he's being funny, but the client offers only a wry smile and a "what's-up-with-this-guy" look.  You are immediately embarrassed for him, and y...

     Greta took a 360-degree survey at the suggestion of her boss.  In an effort to get her to see herself through the eyes of others, she needed to know how she was performing as a leader.  The survey would allow her to compare how she saw herself to how her boss, peers, direct reports, and "others" saw her.  Greta rated herself as open and inclusive.  She felt like she invited people's input and was sociable and encouraged dialogue.  But when she looked at the feedback from her raters, she was shocked by what she saw.      Her direct reports saw her as anything but inclusive.  They rated her low in areas like "being open to input, showing diplomacy" and "creating a positive environment".  Greta thought she was doing a great job in making her team feel like she valued them and their opinions.  She had no idea other people didn't see her the same way.  She wanted to talk to her team and find out why...

It is highly likely that if you voiced your opinion about what occurred between the student at Spring Valley High School in Columbia, SC and the School Resource Officer (SRO) last week, you were met with cheers or jeers.  Those who agreed with your viewpoint did so emphatically because, like you, they were trying to find a supporter in the midst of so much anger and judgment.  Regardless of what side you were on, there was always someone to go against you.  This topic dominated conversations at work and home.  People argued with their co-workers, families, with their friends, and with strangers.  Everyone felt passionately about what they believed, and they would not be swayed. Such is the way we handle controversial topics about which we feel strongly.  A certain matter sparks a deep and tender place in our hearts, and we feel compelled to speak on it.  Nowadays, many take to social media to vent or voice, and they are met with swift acceptance o...

          I was traveling over spring break with my family by car.  I was the driver.  I try to be very careful on the road because I know it can be deadly out there.  Consequently, I don't use my side mirrors much because I don't believe they give the full view of what's around me.  I often physically turn my head and body before I switch lanes.  This action is recommended by public safety officials because of the potential for vehicular accidents due to those pesky "blind spots".  However, regardless of my efforts to be safe on this particular trip, I still managed to cut in front of another driver without seeing him.  It was absolutely frightening after I realized he was back there.  I saw him in my rear view mirror riding extremely close on my tail.  I felt bad and told my husband I was sure the guy was mad at me.     My intention after that was to wait until he passed me and ...