Talk Ain't Cheap

     It seems like everywhere we turn today in the news, there are accusations being made between men and women.  Those accusations are of a serious nature and are costing people on both sides in life-altering ways.  Sexual misconduct and abuse, physical abuse, and gender bias are among the many claims being made mostly by women against men.  These men are usually in positions of power.  Therefore, they are in a prime position to commit the crimes and bad behavior they are accused of without a lot of resistance initially from their victims.      But something has happened lately.  What was once too shameful to speak about out loud is now front and center for all the world to see.  What was perpetrated behind closed doors has now been shoved out in the open by a chorus of voices saying it happened to #MeToo.  One of the difficult angles in these revelations is how the rest of us receives these stories....

     I was studying the Bible today because part of my life is spent as a Bible student and Sunday School teacher.  I enjoy reading it because of the many life lessons it holds.  Today's scripture has everything to do with communications.  And since this is a communications blog, I will refer to the verses I read in it just like I would in any book where I find something worth repeating.  In the book of James, chapter three, James is talking about talking--specifically cursing, lying, gossiping, boasting, and a bunch of other things we say that we shouldn't.  These behaviors are born out of one small part of our bodies that we all lose control of along with our brains at varying points in our lives.  But when we lose control, we amass large amounts of grief for ourselves and others.           Beginning at verse three, he describes this failure of ours.  "When we put bits into the mouths of...

     Maybe you're not a morning person.  Maybe you're deep in thought about what's ahead and not attuned to your surroundings.  Maybe it wasn't something that was important to do around your house when you were growing up.  But greeting people when you first see them each day is a show of respect.  It says to an individual that you "see" them--meaning you acknowledge their presence, that they exist, and that they are important enough to address.         This issue comes up regularly when I am conducting internal customer service and self-awareness training sessions.  For many, saying hello to a colleague first thing in the morning isn't a big thing.  But for others, it's everything .  Those who believe it matters are usually offended by the dismissive response they get from a coworker who walks through the office and passes their office or desk and never looks in their direction.  They are par...

       Choosing to listen while in a conversation is not a passive effort.  Making the choice is an action that is thoughtful and vital to the life of that communication.  To listen well requires concentration.  It requires tuning in and removing distractions that compete for the listener's attention.  As much as we know this, it is difficult to do.  Many of the distractions that cause us to tune in and out several times in a given conversation come from within our own minds.  We have this constant murmur of chatter going on underneath the discussion in which we're engaged.  While someone is speaking, we're responding to their comments silently; formulating opinions in our minds that we can't wait to share.  We're not totally listening; we're just waiting to reply.  Even worse, in some cases, we're not even permitting the speaker to finish their thought.  We interrupt with our often not-so-well-thought-out opinio...

     We've all seen heated discussions on social media regarding everything from political views to personal attacks when someone feels they've been wronged.  Notwithstanding the trolls whose main intent is to get a rise out of people by spewing hate, we should keep in mind that the idea behind social media is to be just that-- social .  Anything outside of that is anti social.  Here's why:      First, social media is about connecting to other people.  It's about building and strengthening relationships through shared opinions, interests, and friendships.  Even when "friends" don't share the same views, this medium is not designed to drive a wedge between them.  When you see this occurring, don't participate.  You're misusing the medium.  Healthy debate where no one gets "unfriended" is fine.  Arguing is not.  Be considerate though, and try not to post anything that would offend others.  ...

     Greta took a 360-degree survey at the suggestion of her boss.  In an effort to get her to see herself through the eyes of others, she needed to know how she was performing as a leader.  The survey would allow her to compare how she saw herself to how her boss, peers, direct reports, and "others" saw her.  Greta rated herself as open and inclusive.  She felt like she invited people's input and was sociable and encouraged dialogue.  But when she looked at the feedback from her raters, she was shocked by what she saw.      Her direct reports saw her as anything but inclusive.  They rated her low in areas like "being open to input, showing diplomacy" and "creating a positive environment".  Greta thought she was doing a great job in making her team feel like she valued them and their opinions.  She had no idea other people didn't see her the same way.  She wanted to talk to her team and find out why...

It is highly likely that if you voiced your opinion about what occurred between the student at Spring Valley High School in Columbia, SC and the School Resource Officer (SRO) last week, you were met with cheers or jeers.  Those who agreed with your viewpoint did so emphatically because, like you, they were trying to find a supporter in the midst of so much anger and judgment.  Regardless of what side you were on, there was always someone to go against you.  This topic dominated conversations at work and home.  People argued with their co-workers, families, with their friends, and with strangers.  Everyone felt passionately about what they believed, and they would not be swayed. Such is the way we handle controversial topics about which we feel strongly.  A certain matter sparks a deep and tender place in our hearts, and we feel compelled to speak on it.  Nowadays, many take to social media to vent or voice, and they are met with swift acceptance o...

         Donald Trump has struck a chord with many Americans who like his straight-talk approach to issues that matter to them.  While exciting some, he is simultaneously causing intense agony for others--especially in his own party.  As much as he's brought a freshness to dealing with topics in a direct manner--saying what some Americans have said in their homes, protest gatherings, and in town hall meetings--he has crossed lines in how he makes his comments.  Sometimes being too direct can have a counterproductive effect.  He turns some on and turns some off.  He gets cheers, and he gets jeers.  He draws some to him while alienating others.  We know this is to be expected for anyone running for political office.  A political leader simply can't satisfy all people.  He or she will always frustrate someone.  But Trump has created a dichotomy in his forward speeches by drawing high levels of adora...

        At a time when it seems like everybody's running around doing crazy things that are counterproductive to building relationships, here's an opportunity to learn how to start saying things that will lead to more rational actions.  The Sisters of Charity Foundation in Columbia, SC is hosting a free webinar to tackle the tough challenges of being able to communicate well.  We all falter at some point along the way when we try to express our thoughts, opinions or feelings.  We know what we want to say, but somehow, what's in our heads doesn't always come out appropriately from our mouths.  Sometimes our thoughts are all scrambled like Legos in a pile on the floor, and we have difficulty coherently articulating what we really feel.  There are all kinds of reasons why we fail at communications.  In this 45-minute webinar, you'll hear about only four.  But in those four, you'll discover how to start to ove...

     Sometimes apologizing is like trying to cough up a fur ball.  I don't know what that means exactly because I don't own a cat.  But I imagine it must be like having something tasteless, dry, and suffocating wedged in your throat.  Those who struggle with forming the words "I'm sorry" feel it would be better to choke them down than cough them up.  Why?  Oftentimes, it's because they don't want to be wrong.  Apologizing is an admission of "blowing it" on some level.  Regardless of the size of the infraction, someone or something has gotten hurt, or at the very least, inconvenienced in some way.  An apology says, "I am wrong".  Some people don't accept that they make certain mistakes so rather than own them, they blame others or excuse their behavior.  You've heard it:  "That wasn't my fault.  If he hadn't done this, I wouldn't have done that."      Another reason why apologizing seems ...

        "You're always late."      "You never have anything nice to say about anybody."      "Are you ever organized?"      These statements are absolutes.  Statements like these ought to ALWAYS be avoided in conflict situations.  The previous statement was one of the few appropriate times you could use words like "always" and "never".  The appropriate times are very few.  Therefore, they should be avoided as often as possible.  Here's why:  most of us are rarely always doing anything or never doing something.  To make such a claim is likely false, and people hate to be lied to or lied on.  To make a blanket statement about someone's behavior--especially if that statement is largely negative--is to create conflict or add to it.  Think about it:  you rarely do anything all the time.  There are few things we never do, but they aren't usu...

     In the last post, I mentioned watching your tone.  I'd like to expound upon that recommendation a bit because it's one of the biggest complaints I get from people regarding communications problems.  Therefore, let's establish the next rule:  the sixth rule of engagement in conflict is to consider the tone you set when engaging in discussion.  Conflict arises from people feeling offended by the way they are handled by other people.  The leap from being direct and being perceived as rude is not a large one.  A short, gruff response to a simple question could set off a nasty exchange if one person finds the tone offensive.  Oftentimes, direct people don't realize right away how they sound to others.  Sure, they know they're direct because they've been told so by people they've offended somewhere along the way.  But they don't realize when they've crossed the line until they're already over it.  Here's something ...

     Recently, I experienced slack customer service from a company with which I'd just started doing business.  I'd been asked to do an event with them.  I was supposed to provide the training, and they were in charge of marketing.  They dropped the ball on the marketing so registration was slow.  They decided to cancel without consulting me.  After a series of missteps following that poor decision, I was left frustrated and determined I wouldn't be working with them again.  I expressed my concerns to the contact person, and the response came via an email--a long one, packed with excuses.  There was something about a mishap with the phone system, a failed attempt at reaching me by phone earlier in the week (I found no evidence of this), and other commitments that got in the way of her following up.  None of these were of concern to me, of course.  They were not my problems.  Most customers feel that way.  They do...