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Rules of Engagement in Conflict--Rule #6



     In the last post, I mentioned watching your tone.  I'd like to expound upon that recommendation a bit because it's one of the biggest complaints I get from people regarding communications problems.  Therefore, let's establish the next rule:  the sixth rule of engagement in conflict is to consider the tone you set when engaging in discussion.  Conflict arises from people feeling offended by the way they are handled by other people.  The leap from being direct and being perceived as rude is not a large one.  A short, gruff response to a simple question could set off a nasty exchange if one person finds the tone offensive.  Oftentimes, direct people don't realize right away how they sound to others.  Sure, they know they're direct because they've been told so by people they've offended somewhere along the way.  But they don't realize when they've crossed the line until they're already over it.  Here's something important to remember regarding the "sound" of our conversations:  Communication is two-toned.  One tone is the tone of voice.  The other is the tone of conversation. Let's look at them separately.

     First, the tone of voice.  There is a portion of the world's population whose voices are loud, sharp and harsh.  When they speak, they often sound angry.  They sound like they're right on the edge, and they're ready to take their frustration out on anybody who so much as utters a greeting.  They usually speak with no filters so what comes to mind is blurted out of their mouths without much forethought.  As a result, they unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) say things that ignite an equally harsh response.  I've found that these folks ultimately live their lives in turmoil.  They get into far more arguments than they want, and they get real good at confrontation because they haven't learned how not to spark them.  Additionally, they have the look that matches the tone--mean, unfriendly, scowling.  They are able to attract people, but keeping friends is difficult.  Only those who can see the better side of them and not take their tone too personal are able to tolerate them.  There are varying degrees of this group.  Some people  in this subset may not scowl or growl when they talk at you, but they often appear standoffish and unfriendly in their look and sound.  They are the ones I hear described as "lacking people skills".
     The other tone is the tone of the conversation.  This is the path on which the speaker sets the discussion.  If the path is friendly because the exchange involves word choices that are encouraging and motivating, then the tone has been set.  If it is easy flowing like a breeze on a summer day, then an easy conversation takes place.  If it is hostile and argumentative, then an angry debate most likely happens.  The tone of the conversation is more than just how a person sounds when they talk, but it is also about what they say.  It is the conversation that is shaped.  It is what is fed into it, and what is extracted from it.  It is where it is led.  The tone is set by the speakers.  Knowing how you come across to others in a conversation is important and too often taken for granted.  Therefore, set a tone you can live with, and that others can too.
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