Rules of Engagement in Conflict--Rule #5

     Either you've seen it for yourself or someone has told you about it, but most likely you know about the yelling and screaming that occurs on most of these "reality" shows that have flooded the airways.  These shout-a-thons usually occur between women who are supposed to be friends or at the very least associates.  They lack respect for one another and generally for themselves.  They curse, they accuse, they yell!  That yelling can oftentimes lead to physical altercations.  Which brings me to Rule #5 in the Rules of Engagement in Conflict:  Watch your tone.  No YELLING!!!
     Regardless of the relationship, more gets done when people remain civil to one another.  When the tone is harsh and abusive, communications break down.  No one wants to be disrespected and denigrated.  The words are important, but just as important is the tone of those words.  If you are raising the volume during the most tense times of discussion, you've moved out of productive, constructive conversation into destructive, disparaging discourse.  If you've witnessed an argument that devolved into a shouting match, you'll notice one key element that made it useless:  yelling.  The reason yelling basically kills a rational conversation is because most likely both sides are yelling at the same time.  If each side is yelling, then no one's listening.  If no one's listening, then very little is understood.  If there is no understanding, then the conversation is meaningless.
     Yelling means you've lost control--control of your emotions, and thus, the conversation.  Disagreements are going to generate emotions.  That's a given, and I'm not suggesting you try not to feel.  However, when those feelings escalate beyond reason, then you are in danger of losing more than just your cool.  You may lose your self-respect, your relationship with the other person if there was one prior to the disagreement, your job, your marriage, your confidence in that person, and so much more.  You will ultimately lose the argument in one way or the other.  There is no winning when the exchange is toxic.
     Therefore, practice self control.  Refrain from yelling as much as you can.  Abide by this rule to preserve your peace of mind and your well-being.  Talking louder doesn't mean you'll be heard better.  After all, neither of you is arguing because you didn't hear the other side.  In fact, you heard exactly what was said initially, and that's what ticked you off.  You're yelling to get your point across, and that can be accomplished better with a cool head and a sensitive heart.  Yelling causes us to stop listening intently and to react to only a few words we hear between the shouting.  Just like yelling evokes yelling from the other side, a calm approach to a disagreement can quiet the rage in the other person.  What you say loudly can also be said just as well softly.  Maybe even better.
     Tone has everything to do with the volume of your voice, but also with the tenor of your conversation.  You can still be offensive without shouting.  If you're sniping, short, rude or sarcastic, your tone is condescending and/or confrontational.  Check yourself on all these fronts.  Be honest about it, and make a change.