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Rules of Engagement in Conflict--Rule #1

     Since conflict between people, even nations, is inevitable, we have to find ways to disagree in a respectful way.  Couples, coworkers, managers and direct reports, church folk, siblings, parents and kids, government officials, businesses and customers:  listen up!  Mutual respect is the key to having a meaningful dialogue when emotions are on the rise.  Remembering that the person or people on the other side of the debate have a brain and opinions too is imperative to keeping your emotions in check.  When we argue with people, it's because we feel that our views are the right ones.  Thus, saying to the other side, "You're wrong" in some way.
     Of course, I realize arguments aren't quite that simple.  They're fueled by wounded feelings, betrayal, and other ways we feel mishandled.  But at the core of every disagreement is simply that:  We don't agree.  And that's okay.  Really, it is.  News flash:  You can disagree with other people.  It's perfectly fine so don't lose your head over it.  Deal with it.  And that's the crux of the matter.  How do we deal with confrontation and conflict rationally?  Well, establishing rules of engagement up front will make a difficult conversation less confrontational.  Whether they are rules you can readily share with the other side or rules that you create for yourself, you've got to be prepared for when difficult conversations happen.  So today and over the next 24 blog posts, I'm going to share with you The 25 Rules of Engagement in Conflict.  Use them and modify them as you wish.  My company also trains on this topic to corporations so if you feel the need to expound on this, visit us at www.thesharpersolution.com.
     One rule that works well is to remember that a conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.  Too often when people are in disagreement with each other, they try to out-talk the other person.  Of course both sides want to be heard.  Unfortunately, they both tend to talk at the same time so neither is listening to the other. When one side doesn't feel heard, they talk louder.  So in turn, the other side does the same.  Next thing you know, both sides are yelling at each other, and not one of them is hearing what the other is saying fully.  They get a few words and phrases here and there, and then they pounce on them.  Thus, leading to a misunderstanding of what was really meant.  The response to that misunderstanding is usually to be more hurtful than the other person.  A lot gets said that shouldn't, and nothing gets resolved.
     Do this:  Stop and listen.  Permit the other person to speak so that they can explain themselves fully.  Then respond.  Whenever you're given the opportunity to speak, make sure you don't monopolize the conversation.  Recognize that this really is a conversation, a dialogue.  And it takes two people to have one.

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