This past weekend, I attended a conference and experienced something I'd not witnessed before. During the lunch at which a speaker was featured, the gentleman who was introducing the speaker took a bold step. While delivering the introduction, the lunch time crowd grew a bit chatty and loud. The gentleman, Ed, stopped what he was saying and allowed his silence to silence the crowd. They got the message and quieted down. He punctuated his point by stating, "Please allow me the opportunity to honor our speaker today by giving him a proper introduction. I would appreciate it if you all remained quiet until I'm finished." He got great approval from the people sitting around my table, and I was impressed with his candor. Most often when I've witnessed this kind of behavior from an audience, the speaker usually tries to compete with the crowd by continuing to speak in hopes that they will hold themselves accountable or their peers would shush them. However, this speaker took control. He gave his audience valuable feedback without fear of reprisals, and actually got what he wanted.
His action was only one means of providing feedback. There are many. Next week, I'll share a few. But today, I would like to offer brief insight into why we don't give feedback as readily as we should. There are at least three reasons why we practice avoidance.
1) We are afraid to provide feedback. I'm not talking knee-shaking fear, but fear of hurting someone's feelings. They may be a close friend or family member--the very people with whom we should feel the most comfortable sharing unpleasant comments. However, we often feel better offering critical feedback to a stranger than the ones with whom we're closest. We're afraid they'll get angry with us or reject us because they somehow feel rejected by our assessments of their behavior. At work, we are also afraid of providing feedback because of the fear of repercussions. Employees are especially reluctant to tell a difficult boss honestly about how they feel. They are rarely invited to, and if they do, they believe they will face retaliation for their candidness. And in many instances, they do. Unfortunately, this type of bad behavior comes from the bosses who need this feedback the most. Which leads to reason number two.
2) We are trying to avoid the backlash from those who are unable to receive negative feedback. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how constructive you are with feedback, some people just don't take it well. You may have to tell a co-worker that she dresses unprofessionally on the job or a boss that they lied to you or a friend that you feel he's taking advantage of your kindness. You know they can be volatile, and this could turn ugly. So you avoid being direct and try useless kid-glove approaches. Then you wonder why they're not getting the message. I know it's frustrating, but soft-pedaling doesn't always work.
3) We don't know what to say. We want to provide critical input, but we can't seem to find the right words that won't come across too harshly or judgmental. We don't know how to present a solid story or an acceptable example or even a simple word or phrase that clearly conveys what we want to say. It takes too much effort to formulate a meaningful message, so we don't try.
None of these is helpful to you or the person who really needs to hear from you. In order for them to improve, and for your relationship to grow, it is necessary to help it along. Taking the path of least resistance only widens the already broad road to destructive relationships. Get over your fears and speak up.
His action was only one means of providing feedback. There are many. Next week, I'll share a few. But today, I would like to offer brief insight into why we don't give feedback as readily as we should. There are at least three reasons why we practice avoidance.
1) We are afraid to provide feedback. I'm not talking knee-shaking fear, but fear of hurting someone's feelings. They may be a close friend or family member--the very people with whom we should feel the most comfortable sharing unpleasant comments. However, we often feel better offering critical feedback to a stranger than the ones with whom we're closest. We're afraid they'll get angry with us or reject us because they somehow feel rejected by our assessments of their behavior. At work, we are also afraid of providing feedback because of the fear of repercussions. Employees are especially reluctant to tell a difficult boss honestly about how they feel. They are rarely invited to, and if they do, they believe they will face retaliation for their candidness. And in many instances, they do. Unfortunately, this type of bad behavior comes from the bosses who need this feedback the most. Which leads to reason number two.
2) We are trying to avoid the backlash from those who are unable to receive negative feedback. Sometimes, it doesn't matter how constructive you are with feedback, some people just don't take it well. You may have to tell a co-worker that she dresses unprofessionally on the job or a boss that they lied to you or a friend that you feel he's taking advantage of your kindness. You know they can be volatile, and this could turn ugly. So you avoid being direct and try useless kid-glove approaches. Then you wonder why they're not getting the message. I know it's frustrating, but soft-pedaling doesn't always work.
3) We don't know what to say. We want to provide critical input, but we can't seem to find the right words that won't come across too harshly or judgmental. We don't know how to present a solid story or an acceptable example or even a simple word or phrase that clearly conveys what we want to say. It takes too much effort to formulate a meaningful message, so we don't try.
None of these is helpful to you or the person who really needs to hear from you. In order for them to improve, and for your relationship to grow, it is necessary to help it along. Taking the path of least resistance only widens the already broad road to destructive relationships. Get over your fears and speak up.
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