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Saying It Better: Choosing the Right Words and the Best Tone

     You've heard it said, "It's not what you say, but how you say it."  I've come to understand that it's both what you say and how you say it that affect our communications.  Choosing the right words to convey your message is critical to clarity and accuracy in communications.  Choosing the appropriate tone in that same message will complete how it gets across to the other party.  For example, if I have to tell a co-worker that I don't believe she's pulling her weight on the team, I wouldn't say:  "Joan!  I'm tired of doing your work.  Stop being lazy and do what you're getting paid to do just like the rest of us."  Wrong word choices and wrong tone even though it may be exactly how I feel.  I wouldn't go to her with hostility in my voice from the start.  I'd find the least confrontational words to describe the situation, and my tone would match.  It would sound something like this:
     "Joan, over the past month, I've had to cover your duties on this project as well as my own.  The work load is too large for me to carry alone.  I would appreciate you taking control of your portion so that we can get the job done quickly.  Thanks for helping out."
     As a first encounter, I'd let Joan know how difficult it is for me to do her job and mine too.  Most rational people can understand this and might be apologetic for being slack if it's said without accusation.  Others might step up to do what they know they ought to even if they don't offer an apology.  A few will ignore or make some noncommittal response to your request.  Only then should your words become more direct and your tone firmer if no change occurs.  Still others may get angry and become confrontational regardless of how nicely you put it.  They lack emotional maturity when receiving corrective feedback, and that's not your problem.
     The biggest mistakes most people make with tone is sounding abrasive, sarcastic, skeptical or angry when the behavior is unwarranted.  Sometimes people will come across as annoyed in their responses because their tone is curt and sharp.  They may snap in response to a seemingly innocent question or they may respond with a tone dripping with sarcasm.  Most of us can accept that everyone has a bad day here and there so we'll excuse a snippy remark occasionally.  But the ones that are most concerning involve people who tend to live in a perpetual state of frustration.  Eventually, someone will grow tired of the rude responses and address them.  Unfortunately, when they do, it's usually out of their own frustration.  Then the exchange doesn't go so well and easily spirals into an argument.
     The best way to avoid this slippery slope is to first check your tone even if you haven't heard complaints. When you speak to others, how do you sound?  Are your word choices without criticism and judgment?  Is your tone reasonable and rational?  You can usually determine it indirectly by paying attention to how other people respond to you.  If everyone seems to be relating to you in rude, cold or abrupt ways, then they may be giving back to you what they're getting from you.  It might not be everyone else.  It might be you.  Pay attention.  Moreover, do you hold yourself accountable for how you come across to others?  If you haven't asked anybody to give their honest opinion of your tone, then you're not holding yourself responsible.  Your opinion of yourself is mired in bias, and you're denying yourself an opportunity to grow.  Everybody needs to check themselves at some point just to make sure they haven't slipped in some areas.  The best way to do that is to get feedback.  We'll talk more about that in next Monday's blog.
     It's time to think before you speak.  Ask yourself, does my response reasonably match what's being asked of me?  What should I do less and what should I do more to improve the way I relate to others?  If you've had people complain to you about your tone, then you need to take some steps to understanding what they mean.  Be bold enough to tape yourself when talking to someone about a sensitive matter.  Listen back and see how you sound.  Or ask someone to surreptitiously tape you when you're interacting with them or others.  You may be surprised by what you hear.  Even if you change your behavior because you know you're being taped, you've already taken the next best steps toward improved communications.  After making those changes, ask people you interact with regularly what they now see.  You may discover that their now kinder responses mirror your own.

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