Rules of Engagement in Conflict--Rule #9

     The one thing I can say with certainty about humanity is that we love to judge one another.  We have no qualms about looking at what other people do and then voicing our opinion about it.  Our opinions are largely derogatory unfortunately.  Gossip abounds and is viewed negatively by almost everyone, but it's like a sickness without a cure.  We are compulsive with it.  It is a habit that is hard to break because the lines are blurred between speaking about the things that people do that aren't right, and complaining about what people do that we don't like.

           In a disagreement, telling people that they are the problem will and does escalate an already volatile situation.  Any statement where one person is passing judgment on another will surely spark ire in the accused party.  Therefore, rule #9 in the Rules of Engagement in Conflict is to take judgment out of the conversation.  Statements like, “the problem with you is” or “if you hadn’t…” or “it went wrong because you…” are pretty much guaranteed to invite resistance from the other party.  No one wants to be blamed for anything that goes wrong.  Any time the word "you" is thrown in the mix, it sounds like an accusation.  Accusations put people on the defensive.

          Judgment makes one person appear to feel superior to the other.  There's a sense of "I don't make the same mistakes you do, therefore, I'm better.  Get your act together."  To pass judgment is to look at an individual or situation and insert your personal assessment as if you're qualified to make it.  It's usually unsolicited, and it's usually without a lot of basis in fact.  It's often conjecture and personal opinion.  As a result, the other person who obviously has their own views on the matter counters what the first person has surmised and does so angrily.  Then boom, there's the making of a heated argument.
      Judgmental statements in a disagreement sound like, "You think you know everything."  Or "You're always trying to control everything."  Or "He's a micromanaging boss."  All of these statements pass judgment on the other party, true or not.  They are all 100% negative.  Even if each statement could be proven, the accuser could never do so because they've already blocked the chances of getting to the truth by making an inflammatory statement immersed in judgment.  A better way would be to say, "I appreciate how much you already know about the topic, but there are some things you may not be aware of."  Or, "One way things would probably work smoother is if you allowed other people and their ideas to take place without interference.  You may be surprised by what would come of it if given the opportunity."  Or even, "Your trust in us is badly needed in this situation.  We believe if you permitted us to do what we are capable of doing, that would free you up to do the important job of leading in other areas.  Don't worry, we got this."
      Avoid any verbiage that sounds like finger-pointing.  Save yourself from the muck of useless arguing and debates.  Give yourself the chance to get along with other people by avoiding those pitfalls that come with judgmental language.  Try it.