Rules of Engagement in Conflict--Rule #10

    

Rule of Engagement in Conflict #10 calls for all of us to stop the tit-for-tat interactions that are common in disagreements--especially in marriages.  If someone says something to you about yourself that you don't like, the most common response is to point out to that individual that they do similar things.  Instead of stopping to digest what has just been said, our natural response is to get defensive if we have not trained ourselves to be accepting of other people's opinions of us.  We say, "Yeah, but you..." and the other person fires back with the same.  Next thing we know, nothing's getting resolved, and no one is holding themselves accountable for their behavior.  It is easy to point a finger at someone else without considering the legitimacy of what the other person is saying.
     Let's face it--it's hard to hear less than glowing remarks about our actions.  We'd like to think we do almost everything right, and somehow it's the other person's fault for taking what we say the wrong way or misinterpreting our good intentions.  We don't often stop to think that we may have led people to feel or respond to us in an undesirable way because of something we said or did.  We tend to place the onus back on the other person for not getting it right.  When they bring it to our attention, we get defensive and upset.  Then we look for ways to point out some shortcoming of theirs while ducking responsibility for our own actions.  "How dare you say that to me when you do..."
     In conflict, this can go on forever.  That's why some people have told me they can argue for hours.  They won't let up or go to bed without trying to "resolve" the issue because they're mad!  But the fact is, this kind of behavior never leads to resolution.  It usually ends up with a lot of hurt feelings because both sides have said too much, made too many accusations.  Hurtful things you can't take back.
     So here's what needs to happen:
     Listen first.  The key to any debate, argument or disagreement is to listen.  Then consider the value of what's being said.  Whether you agree with it or not, try to understand what the other person is conveying.  Can you see from their point of view how you may actually be acting in the manner they said?  In fact, are you behaving that way at the time of the conflict?  Some people will deny that they're hard to talk to while they're being hard to talk to!  The fact that the other person has a problem with you means that an actual problem exists.  In order to resolve it, you can't deny their complaint or overlook it just because you don't like to be considered as part of the cause.  People who are successful at resolving conflict achieve that success by listening first and immediately thinking through the possibilities.  They hold themselves accountable and try not to match one negative comment with another.  They ask themselves, "Did I really do that?" and "How could I have said or done that better?" and "Even though I didn't mean it that way, I still owe this person an apology because I offended them."
     If we all sought ways to be peacemakers, peace and mercy would prevail.  Conflict would shrink, and everyone's individual space could contain a little less drama.  Try it.