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Assertive or Confrontational?

     Yesterday I had lunch with a bunch of friends in celebration of our closely timed birthdays.  We sat outside on the patio of a wonderful restaurant enjoying a warm, dry day.  This means a lot in the southeast where heat and humidity can ruin the best laid outdoor plans.  All was going well until our server was confronted by a demanding patron at another table not far from ours.  Ordinarily, I would have ignored such outbursts, but I was drawn into it inadvertently because the patron was now infringing on my space and time with her demands.  The server was at our table taking our orders when the other patron, a woman sitting a few feet away with a dog, yells at our server to bring her the drink she'd ordered earlier.  The server kindly told the woman she would be over to her in a minute.  I, however, experienced a flash of frustration that I could not contain.  So I responded, "Excuse me, m'am, but she's helping us at the moment."  The woman's irritated reply was, "But I've been waiting for awhile for my order."  To which I responded, "Well you'll have to be patient because we've been waiting awhile too, and she's helping us right now."  There were glances and murmurings from my table as well as those around us.  The server did the "OMG" look and said something about maybe going to get her manager because the woman was out of line.  I agreed.  She was.  That's why I asserted myself.
     So why was what I did an act of being assertive while what the other woman did was confrontational?  Well, it was in the approach.  We assert ourselves when we are attempting to right a wrong, correct a misunderstanding or stand up for ourselves or someone else when inappropriate behavior occurs.  I feel I needed to resist sitting idly by when our entire table was essentially dismissed by the other patron as if her needs were greater than ours.  She was rude to us and the server by first yelling out while the server was talking to us.  Secondly, she treated us as if we were insignificant because she interrupted the server while she was taking our order.  For a person to insert his or her needs into a situation without regard for others even while they are in the act of being taken care of is a selfish and disrespectful act.  So I dealt with it.
     She was confrontational in her tone and her actions.  She was brash in her speech.  She was arrogant in her attitude.  She was argumentative in her behavior.  Assertiveness does not pick a fight.  It lets the other person know that you will not turn a blind eye when you recognize wrongdoing or potential misunderstanding.  It is about speaking up when necessary.  The patron could have been assertive rather than confrontational by taking these actions:  Address the server when she got to her table and let her know about the unsatisfactory service she was providing.  Or wait until the server finished with us, then get her attention to come over to the patron's table and address her dissatisfaction.  She would do it in private so as not to disrupt the whole atmosphere, and she doesn't have to be mean about it--just firm.
     By asserting myself with the patron, she immediately backed down, and the confrontation did not escalate.  Many times this works.  If you find yourself being disrespected, taken advantage of, or disregarded in some way that offends you, assert yourself.  Take charge without confrontation, but make sure you're heard.
     By the way, all the hoopla from the woman was for a drink of water for her dog--which she also allowed to eat off the restaurant's plate.  Had my server known how to be more assertive, she could have squashed all of this nonsense.  It's a needed skill for us all.  Are you assertive or confrontational?  Let's talk about it.

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